I am starting to see that writing these usually is not for others but more for me. I've really noticed this on the last blog that I wrote how the Holy Spirit used it to teach, lead, guide, and even convict me. I am truly grateful I have such an amazing Comforter.
In the last blog, I wrote about the 4 soils. The one that got me was the seed that fell among the thorns. It was choked out by the cares of the world...
I have always been a person who was very content with very little. Not really needing super expensive, flashy, things. Up until recently. And this is the progression that God has shown me. Also His guiding light throughout it.
About two months ago, my truck started having this issue. This truck was my first vehicle that I bought for myself. It was a pretty good truck. It had quite a few smaller things that went wrong with it but nothing major. At the particular time. the oil light kept coming on. It had oil, I even went to have the oil changed early. Nothing really seemed to work. My amazing brother-in-law, even tore it apart to replace the oil pump and some other things.(Big shot out-Thanks dude) This did not fix the problem. During this time, I began throwing around the idea of just getting a new vehicle. Other people wanted me to as well. I said that I was going to pray about it, prayed but did not wait for God to answer. In my flesh, I wanted something nicer. I was allowing other peoples possessions to drive me to acquire what they had. Not that having it is wrong, it just was not the right motivator for a big decision like that.
So time goes on and I am found this car online that I fell in love with. I WANT IT! I AM GOING TO GET IT! One day, me and my sister in law just stop in to test drive it. Well, one thing led to another and I am applying for financial help to get it. I am so pumped up. I am going to have something nice. People are going to see me as someone now, Right? Well, a few hours ago and I get the call, "Sorry you have been denied". OH MY GOODNESS, I was crushed.
Sorry God, But that is not enough to make me understand. I am going to keep trying to get this car in my own human effort. Just like Abraham and Sarah when they made the plan for Abraham to sleep with Hagar to birth a son when they could not conceive on their own. Even when God promised that many nations would come through them. They just could not wait. And neither could I. I am on the phone with the banks, calling and paying bills that might be affecting it, cleaning out my truck to sell it for more money for a bigger down payment, etc. You name it, I was doing it.
As I was cleaning out the truck, I get a call from the dealership. They told me that someone was showing interest in the car and if I wanted to keep it from getting bought, I needed to put down a $500 dollar payment. Which would only keep it safe for 24 hours. This was on a Saturday. There was nothing I could do with the banks until Monday morning which would be cutting it close. WAIT, I do not have $500 dollars. So I make a phone call and borrow it. Sorry again God, I want this!!!
I take the $500 dollars down there. Because it was the end of the day on Saturday and Sunday they were closed. The car would be safe from being purchased through Monday, but come Tuesday it was fair game. Well Saturday I posted this truck online. Started getting some interest from potential buyers, but nothing that would work out so that I could get my car on Monday. So I text my brother in law to see if he would buy it from me. This way I could get the money but not have to have the title signed over right away. Well, my plan worked out. He took the offer. I had the plan to get my car.
Monday morning, I was at work, on the phone with the bank. He could meet me at 10, which was in about an hour or next week. OK, I will be there at 10. I message my sister in law to head to Sheridan because I need her to co-sign. We get there, I have nothing I need. This poor man is asking for things and I am having to scrounge them up as I go. Finally, got everything needed. "Sorry, she does not work as a co-signer." I am shaking, seriously. Ok, lets try my brother. My sister in law has all of his information that is needed. He works. But we cannot get a hold of him on the phone. Well, sorry again God, we will get this car.
Needless to say, after all of my own human efforts, I am driving a new car. I like my new car. But it did something to me. Made me want things that I never really wanted before. There for awhile, it changed my heart, my attitude, my walk with God even. I know a lot of people who read this probably will not understand what I am talking about. But I know my God's promises and in Romans 8:28 He promises that He will work everything for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
FAST FORWARD a couple weeks. I go in to meet with my boss to complete my 3 month evaluation. During this time, she starts talking about a promotion and making me a lead caregiver that comes with a salary pay that looks pretty good for someone who has barely made 25,000 a year. Dang, I have actually wanted this and been working really hard to get here. I DID IT! How exciting.
About a week (maybe not even), my old boss calls me wanting me to come back and step into a new position as lead mentor with some ministry opportunities. Well that title sounds super good. I could tell people I work in ministry, I would be doing the Lord's work. Silly, I know, but that is honestly what I thought.
So many options, I want to pray. I pray. But flesh gets in the way again. I thought I had a clear answer from the Lord. I go to the interview at my old job, put in my two weeks at my new job. I've made my decision.. Something does not feel right. The Holy Spirit is reminding me of an event that took place a while ago.
Before the first job promotion offer came to be, I had a caregiver talking to me about leaving Synergy and coming to work for her. I would make more money and would get the raises that I am promised, and would not be taken advantage of. Sounded good to the ear. One Saturday morning, I prayed, "God, show me if you want me to take this job." That morning I went to an event at my church. As I was trying to comfort someone, I said, "There is a season for everything. God makes beauty from ashes. He will make this beautiful." Later that day, We were at Rooster's and I was looking for a present from a friend. I kept seeding the verse, Ecclesiastes 3:11, Yet God had made everything beautiful for it's own time." I told the girl I was with, "God's talking to you" . Later that day, a friend and I were out eating and we kept talking about Ecclesiastes. Did not think too much of it. Later that night we went to a movie. The song in that movie was, "You make everything, everything beautiful, it it's time, in Your time, it's beautiful." Okay, I think God is talking to me! I went home and started reading right away. In the first few chapters, God showed me that I do what I do because I love to help people, it had nothing to do with money. I make plenty of money to get by. I do not need to take on this other positions JUST to make more money.
God knew what was coming my way. I told the VOA I was wrong in thinking I wanted to come back and take that job. I was not in it for the right reasons and the idea of going back their just gave me crazy anxiety. So, I had to call my current boss and tell her that I was not going anywhere and I was retracting my notice.
During all this, my prayer to God was, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Why can't you just speak to me like you did in that Ecclesiastes situation?" Yes, my God is good. Awhile ago, I was over a friends and saw a book that caught my interest. She told me to take it, so I did, but it just sat for about 2 months. In my prayer group, Psalm 23 was brought up for a few days in a row. Some interesting stuff, so I was planning to look into it, but never got around to it. Then Sunday service one morning, Pastor begins to speak on Psalm 23. Finally, the Holy Spirit says, read that book. It is called "Life without Lack. Living in the fullness of Psalm 23." OK Lord. Such a good read. There is one situation in there that is just what God has been calling me to do forever now. Ugh. So hard.
But later on in this book I read something interesting about temptation. Satan will use 3 different temptations just like he did in the garden of Eden as well as with Jesus in the wilderness. The lust of the eyes (it looks good to the eyes), the lust of the flesh(good for food), and the pride of life(desirable to make one wise). I could see exactly how he was using each one of these in all of these options that were coming my way. But of course, I really want it so I try to convince myself I want it for different reasons. "But God, it would be good for the company, which would be better for the clients." Blah blah blah.
I go meet with my boss and her brother about moving forward with this promotion. I even start lowering my ideas of standards because I want it so bad. Why do I really want it? To look like I am someone important to other people, to make more money, really all the wrong reasons. "But God is blessing me because I have spent so much time seeking first the things of His kingdom." I leave the meeting and go sit down for lunch before my next client. I begin reading my book. Within two minutes I read.....
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Matthew 16:25-26
Okay God, I think I get it. I remember awhile ago God just put something in my heart. "Have integrity" I did not understand it at that time. At all. But now that I am going through all of this, the Holy Spirit keeps bringing it to my mind. It would be so much easier to just try to hide, or lie, or escape, trying to save face after diving into these things only to be told no and then have to back out of them. "Have integrity." Okay God, I am trying.
I am grateful that My God keeps His promises. What is keeping my head above water right now is, Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began a good work within in, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
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