Today was a rough day. As it was the anniversary of a suicide of a kid that I took care of. One year ago today, he took his life because he could not handle the life he was dealt. Just that in itself is very hard to handle. This kid was just one of the sweetest people you would ever encounter. He was always checking in on people and putting everyone before himself.
I guess it would make sense that he had experienced a lot of pain, so he did not want anyone else to have to experience that, so he spent his life trying to relive this pain from other people. 💝💝💝
This kid had so much life and spunk to him. Being around him, even if just for a couple seconds, you could not help but to light up and smile. He hid his pain well. So, well that we did not even see it coming. Maybe his friends that knew him a little deeper might have, but I don't think so.
Not only did we lose him that night, but I was one of the ones working when it happened. It was the worst night of my life and I have been through a lot. I did not think that I would ever recover from this. It did not help that I was put on leave, being investigated to see if I was guilty of neglect. It was really hard. And today was a reminder of that...despite the time that I've had to heal.
I owe my healing to the Lord. During this time, I was able to just lean into Him. I believe that He drew me near again, just for this moment, because He knew that if I did not have Him during this time, there would probably be another family morning the loss of a loved one.
I've talked a little about this already, but during this time, I just had to trust God that it was going to turn out! Whether found guilty or not. That His will would be done. And I had to ACCEPT it either way. He finally got me to make peace with this. Which was a fight (because I am stubborn). I did not want to accept that I could possibly be found guilty of this, never being able to do what I love...working with youth. Gosh that is a tough one. But with His help, we got there. I had a lot of good Christian people in my corner, praying for me, encouraging me. Reminding me that the Lord is faithful, and He will get me through it. I am forever grateful for them.
Anyway!!!!
Tonight, normally would have been my day off but I switched days with someone thinking I would be fine. I have healed with the help of the Lord; it would be ok. Plus, it would be nice to spend it with the kiddos that knew him.
The night was going pretty good. There was some talk about him amongst the kids and some laughs and some tears. Which is expected....he was their friend. It is nice to remember people who have left us. But after dinner it got really hard for me.
One of the girls kept using it as an excuse to break the rules. "He's dead" she would say. Over and over with what seemed to be no sadness at all. To me it just seemed like it was disrespectful. Then she went off talking about how we are to blame for it because he died there, that we should be ashamed, and all of this stuff. I was getting sad....and well mad. I told her she should talk about him in a more positive way and then I had to walk away.
But of course, I am flesh and I struggled. I really hate to admit this, but I was really mad at this young girl. I could not stop myself from thinking about how mad at her I was. She is literally one of my favorite kids there. (Don't tell anyone) but it REALLY hurt. Would I ever be able to look at her the same?? How could I let her know that I am mad at her? I should just ignore her? Spend time with the other kids away from her? Just all of these horrible thoughts.
I LOST IT! I started crying and had to walk out of the back door. I could not hold it together. The enemy knew I was vulnerable and attacked! I walked around the building with tears rolling down my face.
God reminded me of Mark 11:25 - And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Why would I need to forgive her?
She was pretty much speaking truth.
But in the midst of that she hurt me.
Or should I say she hurt my ego.
Why am I like this? How do I get rid of it? WELL I NEED TO PRAY!
"God, help me to forgive her. Help me to operate in your love."
I went back in and finished what I was doing in the kitchen. She was leaving for an hour. After she left, I did not think about it at all. An hour later she came back, and I was excited to see her. I was able to talk to her like nothing ever happened. Able to just show her love and compassion! That is not something that I could have done on my own honestly. I don't know for sure, but I probably made it so she could not have gone on her pass or something.... because that is what humans do when we operate outside of Christ.
God is so faithful. He cares for us and wants us to share all of our burdens with Him. Honestly. No matter how hard it is to admit. Like me being a Youth mentor, supposed to mentor these kids and here I am getting mad at them because they hurt my fragile little ego.... who wants to admit that. But God wants us to tell Him all of these things. Because He knows already, He knows that we are not perfect. I guess it is a sign of humility. Saying God I am struggling with this, I need you now because You are mighty, holy, sovereign. I am not. You are in charge Father, I am not. Take this from me because if I keep it, it is going to be bad Lord.
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