After a situation today (which I do not want to share for the sake of the people involved) God took me on a journey. I am so grateful that I have Him in these hard times.
But after this situation, I was feeling pretty upset, confused, hurt, concerned, sad, just ALL of the emotions. I'm sure some of you have felt that way before. I hate when people are hurting or mad. I just want to help them feel better and make peace. But of course, I am human and had some bad thoughts as well. I wanted that person to know the truth. I wanted to show them how they were wrong. I wanted to to show them how they hurt people without being aware of it.
While having that nasty, evil thought process, I also had two of my nieces here. I did not want them to see me like that. I went got my phone and turned-on praise music, took it to the bathroom and started cleaning and singing my little heart out. It was really cool, because I was listening to Praise and my youngest niece popped her head in and started singing it with me!!! So cute <3. Oh, how I miss that old school heart lol. Whoops Squirrel Sorry! Back to my story. Or God's story I should say. In the time I spent doing that the Lord met with me and just changed my heart completely.
He showed me how I used to be, and maybe sometimes still am, but He is working on it with me. I was raised to not talk about how you are feeling. It was just stay silent, ignore it, don't bring it up. So, my entire life, I believed it I just ignored it, it would go away. Not until recently have I realized that it does not go away. It just becomes tolerable again. Until something happens and it brings it to the surface again. I used to ignore everything. If someone said something that hurt me, if I made a mistake, if I felt lost, if I felt torn between something, just everything really. DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT AND IT WILL GO AWAY!!!
The big one for me was the guilt and shame that I felt. For always using people, being so selfish, hurting people, sleeping around, lying to people to get my needs met, really pushing the people that loved me away, in such a hurtful way. I lived with that guilt and that shame for so many years. It was not my actions that made me a horrible person so much, but more or the guilt and shame that came from them. It made me find ways to point the attention and the feeling onto someone else, even if I had to make a reason to do so. I did not want to feel that way about myself, so I would find a way to feel bad feelings about someone else. How sick it that?
I remember doing all sorts of things to help. Like I mentioned before, making others feel like it was their fault so I could feel better about my actions. Running to alcohol and drugs. Running to men. Trying to find something that would take it away from me. Every time I came up empty handed, usually with more guilt and shame, and still having all the same problems that I had before.
Today I looked into the Greek word repent. The Greek word is Metanoeo. It means to think differently or afterwards reconsider. (morally to feel compunction), I also had to look up the word compunction because I had never heard it before. It means a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that prevents or follows the doing of something bad. I think it is now my new favorite word. COMPUNCTION!!!!
I had to repent of that way of thinking. I had to realize the insanity of it all and commit to something else. It took a long time because I had the heart posture of, "I will just TRY Jesus". But it does not work like that. Jesus is a commitment. If we have that heart posture, our heart does not truly believe. By the mercy and the grace of my Lord and Savior, that all changed one day. After many years of just trying Jesus here and there, then going back to all of my other vices that continuously failed me.
It was not until recently when I found and truly believed the One, True, Way. It was Jesus. And I was not going to ever feel better until I experienced His love. It was like He just came in and gave me a HUGE HUG! He told me that He loved me. He did not see all of that filth that I continued to look at, so I should stop focusing on it as well. He took it all away. I still know that I hurt people in the past, and I will forever know that. But Jesus taught me how to have compassion and mercy for myself.
His word tells us in Matthew 6:14-15 If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
God had to work that scripture into my heart today. It is one thing to say that we forgive, but to actually forgive is hard. God really helped me by showing me the importance of mercy and compassion. Our Father is MERCY AND COMPASSION. That is His character, so we should be mercy and compassion as well. In order for me to get past all the yucky feelings today and have compassion, I had to be reminded that I was once there. When I needed compassion and mercy, God was faithful to give it to me. I need to be faithful to give it to others as well.
I feel like this not only goes for forgiving other people but forgiving yourself as well.
Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.
That is what the Lord did, He renewed the way I think, I way I react, the way I act. And He will do it for you as well.
Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
Having received the mercy and the compassion of the Loving Father, I am now walking in a new freedom. A freedom from that hell I created inside my head, where I was being tormented by the enemy. A freedom I never dreamed possible. A freedom I never believed I deserved.
Now I just want to encourage anyone that is struggling with this to just speak up, shout it out, be honest. You deserve to be free from this. No matter what you believe or what you have done, the Lord does not want you where you are at and neither do the people around you. He gave us a gift. All we have to do is accept it by believing in Him.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth on His shall not perish but have life everlasting.
I share this testimony with you because it is truth. It is freedom at its finest. Make the decision. Tell someone you are hurting. Tell God you are hurting, just call out His name. That is what He is waiting for. He is a gentleman. He is not just going to barge into your life. We must invite Him in. Once we do, He begins to change us, to transform us, to show us that unconditional love, that mercy, that acceptance.
Love this! Wow! I love your walk with Christ. Most of all I love that you display your progress. Believe it or not when I first came to God I was walking around telling everyone. I wasn't even very sinful. I had some stuff I needed to change but not much my fire was burning and I instantly starting forgiving people which is a huge step for me because I never forgive. I use to hold grudges and never let go of the past so I was out here throwing out forgiveness to everyone people who have hurt me in my childhood like my Dad and mom and others. People who had never even asked for it and my relationships were doing good and I was strutting my stuff walking around like I got the holy spirit and I'm so great. And then we moved and then seven months later today as I am writing this after my perfect world collapsed and I stopped seeking and trusting God I learn that in this messy, hard process that I am a wretch. I am sinful to my deepest core. Full of hate, judgement, cowardess and shame. I am a sinful mess and the Holy Spirit shines bright lights on all of it daily! And struggle everyday to be changed into the image God wants for me for Him. So I keep on pushing and rejoicing that God didn't just leave me where I was so wretchful. He took me here to fully realize what needs to be changed so that I can be in fullness with Christ. In my Bible repentance says that it also means change. I love that part of the definition because people may hear repentance and think turning from sin, not doing sin. But really it's stating that you've already sinned. You are already a sinner and you must see your sin and change it. Change it to what? Change it to look more Jesus. That is the whole reason He came down from heaven!! To give us an example of what to be like and what to change into!! Thanks for sharing your testimony about this!! Love you sister!!
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