TRUST

 Trust. What a word huh? So easy to flow out of the mouth, but much harder to flow out of the heart. 

From the time we are born, there are numerous things that teach us whether we can trust or not. Sadly, in a fallen world, I believe most people learn that we cannot trust.

I went through a lot growing up. From older men sexually taking advantage of me at a young age, my father leaving the picture never to be seen or heard of again, being lied to constantly about my parent coming home or being where she was supposed to be, boyfriends cheating and lying, druggies using me as a pawn in their world, etc.

No wonder it is hard for me to trust people. Everyone is always going to hurt me somehow, I tell myself. I might as well end it before they have that chance. I can see it more clearly now that I am an adult. 

Now, the only one I want to trust if GOD THE FATHER, and I struggle to do so. I tend to trust the people that have hurt me more than the one that has always been FOR me. Maybe it is because I can trust that I know what will happen. How twisted is that?? Twisted, Harsh reality. 

God has shown me that He will never let me down, yet I still struggle to believe it. God had been there with me in the deepest, darkest placed, right beside me. 

Within the church, we always hear, "Just trust God" "All you have to do is trust God". I wonder to myself if these people even trust God themselves. I caught myself doing it just the other night. A friend has a son who called him struggling. The friend was anxious after that. Of course, in all my knowledge I said, "You just have to tell God about it and then trust Him". Yeah....OK DES!!! That is what I think when people tell me that. YEA OKK! 

I'm thankful that God is understanding. That He knows what I have been through and where I am right now. I'm grateful my God is so compassionate. He is willing to wait in longsuffering while He gets me where I need to be. 

He sends me through these trails and testing in life that help me to trust Him. That help me to lean into Him more. He is faithful to show me what He does. When I call to Him, He answers me. 

Today I was reminded of something. I have been on somewhat of journey with God for 10 or 11 years. Ever since treatment. But it did not seem real. It was just what I thought I needed to do to stay sober. But God saw me and was with me the entire time. Even when I was living in sin, He was there trying to show me the way out. I just never realized it was Him until now. But what I remembered today was how God was so faithful during a hard, hard time.

About 2 years ago we lost my aunt to alcoholism. It was extremely hard for me. The guilt I felt, the overwhelming sadness of losing someone so special, all of it just ate me alive. At this time, I was not walking with the Lord. I was using Kratom and smoking. Just living life blind. I remember I was going through a time with my nephew who was living with me. I was just at a low point in life. I got so upset, I remember sitting in my room, screaming like I was possessed. I was punching walls. It was like it was when I lived with my ex. I WAS LITEALLY POSSESSED. During this time, I remember falling to my knees, crying uncontrollably, and the only words I could get out were, "GOD HELP ME". I probably said it at least 20 times. I remember getting such a rush of calm come over me that day. Something that is only to be explained as the Holy Spirit. I began to start praying and reading the Bible again. Just a little bit, reaching out to others that I met that walk with the Lord. Through the HOLY SPIRIT and those people, the spark was ignited in me. I called on the Lord to take the Kratom away and the Cigarettes. Three days later, I was done with both of them. I still have not even had a craving to do either. THE LORD IS FAITHFUL!!! Because He was there for me then, I knew I could trust Him, when I went through my kiddo at work taking his life. I was put on leave while being investigated. As others were getting lawyers and everything, I knew I could TRUST GOD, IT WAS WELL WITH ME SOUL!!!

Having had the Lord show up in such amazing ways...you would think I would trust Him always. But is it not just life Israel. They had God show up in SUCH MIRACULOUS ways but still struggled to trust God. They accused God of bringing them out into the wilderness to kill them!! WHAT!!! We don't always know what GOD is doing but we can always be SURE that He is doing something. AND THAT IT IS FOR OUR GOOD! 

JUST REMEMBER WE SERVE A FAITHFUL GOD WHO LOVES US SO MUCH!!! HE IS WORHTY OF MY TRSUT!! OF YOUR TRUST!!!!